How to Overcome Lack of Self-Appreciation
Happy July!
To be honest it is my favorite month of the year, maybe because it is my birthday month! ♋ 🎉
At the end of June, I finished a year long program for my healing and coaching program. As part of the closing ceremony we were invited to look back at our transformation throughout the last 12 months and I realized what a journey it has been!
My passion is (and has always been) to “HEAL myself and FIND my ANSWERS” but over time this passion has led me to become an entrepreneur and start a business where I earn more than my corporate job! When I shared both my progress and my figures recently with my coach and friends, everyone was surprised at the leaps I had made (even my tax accountant was in awe! 😉).
Even though I was constantly booked out and working with different people each day I had been hesitant to share my success before. Having to go through the exercise of sharing my transformation made me realize one of my patterns (and a pattern that also comes up a lot in my sessions with clients): “Lack of Self- Appreciation”.
Therefore, this week I would like to talk about APPRECIATION!
The journey to initiate change often comes with tears and many efforts…consistent efforts. I think the image below shows this best! Although it is titled ‘A Day in the life as an Entrepreneur’ I think it can apply to any new change/job/ habit that you want to begin in your life.
It is important to take time out along the way to reflect on your progress and just give yourself a pat on the back every now and then. For me this is still a habit that I need to practice daily as I begin to integrate more self-appreciation into my life. So many of us never stop to do self-appreciation.
Instead we are constantly focusing and criticizing ourselves on 'What did I do wrong?' whilst at the same time wanting others to see and appreciate us.
What Causes Us to Focus on Negative instead of Positive?
When we think about what we have done, we usually spend time either thinking about the things that we have done wrong or thinking about what we have could have done better. With my clients, I have observed 4 main areas that come up frequently when it comes to this way of thinking.
1. Family Patterns: How we learn to appreciate ourselves as a kid often carries through to adulthood. For example, if we have had a perfectionist mother, she tends to force us to be better most of the time. If you got 70 out of 100 on a hard exam at the school, the first thing a perfectionist mum would focus on is ‘How we can make it 95?’ and probably the first question would be “What is the highest grade?”. As a child this makes us feel that we are not good enough and we are constantly trying to get appreciation from our mum/dad/grandparents.
2. School: If we are lacking appreciation at home then usually, we want to be appreciated in school. Teachers usually recognize and appreciate the hard-working students. At this age, we find it hard to differentiate between love and recognition. Therefore, we start to believe that we need to be successful in order to be loved. (I had this one✋)
3. Society/Cultural Norms: The society/culture that we grow up in can have massive effects on our self-appreciation skills. In Eastern cultures, the virtue of being humble is praised so we can feel like we are bragging even when we are simply stating the facts of our success (such as income figures). Therefore, we feel more comfortable staying silent. In other cultures, kids are brought up with the fear of what others think rather than accepting themselves as they are.This can lead to us feeling the heavy burden of society and how we have to act in order to be accepted (this burden is often heavier on women).
4. Being Perfect: We can also become what we suffered from the most! Being a perfectionist! When we want to be the best version of ourselves be can feel hesitant to speak up, especially if we do not feel like we are 100% there. This can also link back to the societal/cultural biases that we can feel. Last week I attended a workshop which focused on empowering women and underrepresented groups to celebrate their achievements in the workplace and beyond. We were told this fact: “Men applied for a promotion when they thought they met 60% of the job requirements. Women applied when they believed they met 100% of the job requirements”.
Societal biases are often much heavier on women and so we can have these incredibly high standards in place for ourselves which restrict us. We think until we are perfect, we could not even consider ourselves as a viable candidate.I invite you to take some today to observe this fact in your work, do you see any similar pattens?
How can we build the skill of Self Appreciation?
Self-appreciation as a skill/habit that needs to be developed. If you are not used to it, you need to practice in order to build it up (just like you would with working out a muscle 💪🏼) We need to work out consciously to build up!
1. Start with mindset
Appreciation is not Bragging
Most people think self-appreciation is egocentric! There is a huge difference between bragging and seeing the facts. You can simply look at the facts, especially in the workspace! When you write down all the facts, you will be amazed to see what you have accomplished. There are so many women, waiting to be picked for a promotion which they deserve and should go after. Instead they don’t share the results that they are producing and just wait to be seen! Have confidence to share what you are achieving!
Appreciation is not Being Pollyanna
How many of you heard this “Stop being a Pollyanna and see the reality, life is hard, you need to work hard, you need to be pretty….” The list can go on! Most of us are surrounded by people who are constantly seeing the lack, and it’s hard to see the positive when you have only ever been raised to see the defects. If you are the kind of person who sees defects most of the time, next time you find yourself talking like that why not try and see the opposite (or at least keep your thought to yourself 😊)
If you are the person who always tries to see the positive but is surrounded by others who focus on lack and defect (your boss, your partner, your mother in law…), allow yourself a moment to observe this and choose not to be affected by what they are saying. After all it is their opinion and nothing to do with us personally. Our task is not to change others, our task is to work on our mindset.
2. Make self-appreciation part of your daily routine!
This is the fun part! Here are some mini daily exercises that you can use to help you start to practice self-appreciation more. (After all, when we start to tune ourselves to the energy we want, we begin to attract similar vibes.)
Make a list of things that you appreciate about yourself in the morning and read them out loud! Reading out loud may seem strange or uncomfortable in the beginning but keep at it. Reading out loud helps us to really imprint these new thoughts into our way of thinking.
Journal the things that you appreciate about yourself. This is often done best at the end of the day before bed where we can reflect on what has gone well for us and what we have achieved. Giving ourselves the time to reflect on our day, even for just five minutes, can work wonders.
Ask a dear friend how they perceive you. If you are really struggling to find things about yourself to appreciate, then ask a close friend (pick the friend wisely). It is amazing to see the difference between how we see ourselves and how the outside world sees us.
Do the Mirror Exercise. If you struggle with journaling then try looking in the mirror and saying “I appreciate myself for xxxx”.
Attend workshops, or support groups. There are so many virtual and free community groups and workshops available around the art of self-appreciation. Why not join one and see what others are doing to help build their self-appreciation habit. They can also offer additional professional support if you are really struggling.
Not all these exercises will work for you. Choose the one that resonates most and then try and keep it going for at least a month to fully see and feel the changes.
3. Accept with Gratitude and Celebrate!
We work so hard to initiate change, and when we get there, we tend to forget to celebrate!
This is the most basic rule of the universe: The more we are grateful for what we have, the more we attract!
So, make sure that you are spending some mindful time to celebrate.
For a long time, I misunderstand the concept of celebration. I always thought I needed to celebrate in a nice restaurant with a nice drink. Now I realize celebration can simply be taking quality time for myself. It can be having a cup of coffee in a beautiful place, or booking a facial treatment, walking in the nature, buying fresh flowers, or simply taking time out with loved ones or with yourself. In June I did my mini celebration by getting new plants and flowers on my balcony 😊
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