3 things to understand about Forgiveness
One of the most frequent questions that I get during my Mindfulness Workshops is:
“How do I forgive someone when I can’t or I shouldn’t forget? This person really hurt me, but I don’t want to carry this feeling for myself, I want to be able to move on.”
I feel this question deep in my bones because it was one of the topics that I spent years on. I was held back by the one sided modality of “you need to forgive and forget”.
Let’s be honest...
We all have at least someone that we've been hurt by, and we cant forget what they have done to us. Even it is a simple disrespect or a simple issue, sometimes we can’t or don’t want to forget.
It is easier to practice forgiveness when we can cut ties with that mean person. You take them out of your life and you move on. What is harder is to forgive is when you have to see this person and feel triggered every time.
It could a mean relative that you need to see during Christmas, Eid or weddings or family gatherings
It could be an ex-partner where you share custody of your kid
It could be a colleague where you work
How can we forgive when we don’t want to forget?
Today, I want to talk about people who hurt you with a mean heart, and now you are holding the anger and resentment.
But please remember, what I share here is not for extreme situations such as someone who has abused you or been physically violent. In extreme trauma, I always advise to seek a professional rather than trying to do it alone.
So, lets dive into anger/resentment issues...
The key is to understand: Forgiving is an act we do for ourselves. The person you actually need to start to forgive is you!
1) Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need TRUST or BE CLOSE with that person again.
Lets get it straight, forgiveness and trust are separate issues.
When you forgive someone it doesn’t mean you accept their behavior. And if you don’t accept someone’s behaviors and motives, you don’t need to trust them or take them back into your life as it was before. You deserve to set your healthy boundaries with people you don’t trust
2) If you have to keep this person in your life, THEY need to work on BUILDING TRUST.
If your inner voice, your gut feeling doesn’t trust them, the best thing to do is to remove this person from your life.
However, we all have people that we cant remove from our lives. In these situations, remember that a relationship has 2 sides. It is also their responsibility to build a trust with you .
You can re-organize this relationship with any boundaries you like. Remember the golden rule: the aim is to forgive for yourself, not for the person who wronged you. So they also need to own their wrongdoing.
3) Forgiving someone and being able to move on can take TIME.
There is nothing wrong with you if you are still triggered by that person. Forgiveness can take time, especially when the other part doesn’t own their part.
It might require repetition of some practices. If you are really hurt, maybe doing a forgiveness meditation will not remove the heaviness on your chest, but overtime it will. So, continue to do what is working and keep the practice of forgiveness.
If you want to take a deeper journey on forgiveness, then I invite you to book a call. Take it one step further and experience a private healing journey, then let's chat over a discovery call.
Next week, we will continue with the HOW part: how we can still forgive, even when we don’t want to forget.
In the meantime, if you want to try out a self-forgiveness exercise, I invite you to explore my Meditation Kit.
This Self-Healing Meditation Kit is a culmination of my 10-year personal healing journey and 5 years of working with clients worldwide. I have witnessed the incredible transformations that can occur when we take the time to connect within and embrace the power of self-healing.
One of the meditations inside is dedicated to forgiveness 💫
